Words of a crazed drunk man

I dunno why but when I drink I can think a lot more clearly. I know it's not a good thing and I always regret doing so ( and i don't recommend it)...I just feel like I can get things off my mind a lot better. I always end up thinking about life and things of the past. Sure I could do that sober but nothing seems to make sense. My mind is just a lot more open. I'm not saying I do this often cuz sometimes I have a clear open mind when I'm just on the Metro or sitting around listening to music. Sometimes I just feel like I need it...like I need something to think clearer. If anyone knows a better way to do this please let me know lol. 

The down side of doing this is I always end up feeling really sad about certain things. Even when I'm sober I feel sad about certain things. Like what could've been had I said something...what could've been if I wasn't so afraid to speak up. What could be right now if I still wasn't afraid to say something about how I used to think or feel.

I'm always in search of some kind of release..alcohol is as far as I go though, no drugs.

It's really hard sometimes thinking about certain things. Like my head/heart literally ache at points of thinking too much. I want to cry at times but I hate crying. So I just hold eveything in and surpress all feelings. It's not a good thing but it's all I can do. 

Even now I can't express exactly what it is I'm talking about...maybe someone that reads this will understand..but I just can't think about it too much. It still hurts...a lot. 

Like a part of me inside is dying kind of hurting. Like I almost don't want to be alive kind of hurting..like I wish I had never met you hurting.

I feel like at some point everyone has felt the same way about someone. And everyone feels like no one will ever understand how they feel . And it's true..no one will ever understand how I feel. I'll never understand how others feel. We all have different feelings for someone and the hurt inside is never the same for anyone. But we can all cope with each other, release our feelings and talk to someone. Someone will be there for us no matter what. Even if they don't understand how it feels..they'll be there for us to tell us everything will be okay. Everything will subside and life will move on.

 Life may not move quickly..but it will move on.